Offending profile pictures

Question: have you ever reported a facebook photo as inappropriate?

I have noticed very disturbing profile pictures as of late and I'm not talking about the ones that get increasingly nakey or the ones that have NEVER been changed.

I'm talking about people who put up post coital pictures with their significant other or one of their unborn baby's ultrasound - which btw, keeps popping up as one of my 'people you may know' and I can see that the baby is growing.

What's next? a crime scene photo?

I have not reported any in fear of the report being non-anonymous and then some sort of cyber tracking and hate will ensue. Thus, I am reduced to being a coward who has to blog about it.

A day in the west

It was a good friend's engagement party and so I had no choice but to trek (in a lift that I bummed) out the west to Mt Annan Botanical Gardens. Don't worry, I didn't know they existed either. Along the highway there was a hitchhiker and the restrooms in the gardens didn't have mirrors but all in all it was a nice day. Wouldn't you say so by these pictures that look like we're in the quintessential Australian environment?

MOST IMPORTANTLY - the food was great! Really succulent chicken was perfect with some ice cold Fanta to chase it down until someone told me that the Nazis invented Fanta because they wanted Coca Cola but didn't have any so they made their own and it turned out to be Fanta. 
Her name is JENNA. Jokes were made. I hear there is going to be an angry phone call.

I've decided that my engagement party is going to be an indoor night time picnic in a planetarium (obviously without the lecture seats) and at the end all guests shall receive lucky draw goodie bags in which some will have invites to the wedding. 

Some fucker red P-Plater just tried to run me over!

that is all

Buffet

Does anyone else besides me and my core circle of friends LOVE buffet? I mean, when you really think about it, it’s a competition between your stomach and your dollars. Could it BE any better?

Well actually, it could be. At the Caramar Sizzler they offer take away, which quite frankly is ludicrous. But if you spin it the other way to have ‘doggy bags’ on offer, then buffet just became the new sliced bread. An avid buffet-er suggested to me that you should be able to take two take-away boxes as doggy bags. To me that is greedy – shame on you!

I suggest that after your meal, you are allowed to take ONE item with you. Whatever item you want. Firstly, I think this would make people think about their priorities – do you take something you haven’t tried or do you take something you thought was fabulous? Do you take the most expensive item or do you take a French Fry because you can never have too much potato?

Secondly, I think this would add a touch of amusement to the otherwise mundane and dirty duties of the hospitality staff. Just imagine if someone chose to take a prawn or a teabag, I bet there would be some interesting pooling going on in the kitchen.

I mean, if this came into fruition I think I would visit buffet roughly 6 out of 7 nights in the week. So anyone who runs a buffet, please feel free to contact me re this idea. If I see it happen somewhere without my consent, I will hunt you down.

Hell Bitch Wives

I was at the Gold Coast recently and over buffet breakfast with the travel buddy, I saw the saddest man.

Not sad like ‘what a Leeewwwssseeerrr!!!!’ but I mean sad, like he was sad in his heart. He was overweight, wore dull colours and had a bulbous-ey droopy sort of face.

And he had a hell bitch wife. 

I believe their breakfast conversation went something like this

Sad Man: I don’t want to go walking today

HBW: Well I quit smoking for you!

Then she went to get more toast and bacon and he just sat there with his sad face.

I mean, this woman is not Heidi Klum or anything, shes like…well, imagine the most horrible high school teacher you ever had and then add fat onto it (if your high school teacher was already fat, then you know what I’m talking about).

I have no idea, nor do I want to know, what happened the night before, but she was just sooo mean to him. When they were leaving to go for the walk he didn’t want to go on, she made him return to the table for her forgotten purse while she stood with their pimply son who sat at the other end of the dining room from them.

I sort of have a sick fantasy to become one of these. Interested boys?? *wink wink*

I didn't believe in karma til now...

My dad told me a great story about a guy from his work who gave his two teenage kids $2 a week (each) as allowance.
So for fathers day, they pitched in and bought one fun sized Kit Kat.

My father got to tell me this story for fathers day.

MANchilds

I’ve blogged about my pet peeves before but I think this one takes the cake.

Manchilds or Manchildren or Menchildren or whatever you want to call them, have taken top spot has ultimate pet peeve. It is so ultimate that I feel like a vomie…

Classic Examples
While his parents have gone away, he has decided to have a house party. He tells his friends to not bring their children or wives. The maid is left cooking and cleaning all night. This manchild is 38 years old.

After a night (one out of many during the weekdays) of binge drinking, he has lost his keys and so he climbs over the security gate to get into his apartment complex. The security guards are briefly alerted before they realize that it’s him and with this, they go back to their snoozing. This manchild is 43 years old.

A man who plays a sport, like squash or basketball, with his ‘buddies’ more than two or three times a week. Like how fucking fit do you need to be?

Do we need to go to a fourth example?
At the risk of sounding square: What the hell IS this kind of behaviour?

You don't know how to use the TOASTER??!!!

A workmate said to that me the other day. I quickly corrected her and said that I don't know how to use the COFFEE MACHINE because it's new and has more than an on/off button. 

But it's true, I couldn't cook to save my life. I feel bad for my unborn children (another reason for B.C).

I have however, just discovered the best treat: apples slices and peanut butter. 

mmmm delish!

Blogger cum novelist

Firstly, what is with the word cum? Am I using it right here? I know you’re snickering either way.

Anyway, heres my idea for my novel, B.C.

It’s going to be science fiction because I just lurrvveee science fiction and I think that there’s a higher chance of Oprah condoning it with her Book Club Stamp because she lurrrrveeesss science fiction too.

Actually, I just checked on wikipedia and it says that everyone lurrrrvvveeeess science fiction.

The story is set in the not too distant future so you’ll have a better grasp of understanding the concepts. I think I’ll throw in a scene where the characters are shopping at priceline so readers will say ‘holy cow! I shop at priceline!! Its like reading a mirror!’

The protagonists name will be Linzzy, the near futuristic way of spelling Lindsay.

Linzzy and her partner Ron want to have a baby and this is the story of their quest to become fertile.

In the near distant future, the menstrual cycle has been eliminated and the whole process is now backwards. Linzzy is 25 and wants to conceive so she sends her application via fax to the Birthing Commission (B.C) hoping that this will be the first step towards giving Ron a son. All she needs is 12 months worth of period pills (PP) where she can have a steady flow and build up those uterus walls ready for sperm and egg to meet and embed.

But Linzzy didn’t come down in the last shower, she’s heard of the rejection stories and seen the women return to their highflying multimillion-dollar jobs and periodless lives. Still, this seems like the next step with Ron, and Linzzy is determined to make a mini-me.

Of course, something goes wrong and the formal interview with officials at the B.C quickly turns into a heavy interrogation about the intricate details of her social status (“how many toilets do you have at your residence?”). However, this is just a rouse to cover the real concern: Ron.

Ali, Linzzy’s caseworker from the B.C, is a sweet gentle soul who, at 40 years of age has lived through the 90’s and seen the worst. After receiving Linzzy’s file by mistake she decided to take it instead of returning it to the correct officer. She gives Linzzy the strength she needs after discovering Ron’s dark secret that could damage any chances of a baby and a happy ever after.

B.C in stores in the near future.