Now I'm going to treat myself for Vaginal Thrush...

with a tub of yoghurt, a pineapple and a pirate's hook.
if you want to get this joke and other gems...go see 'IDIOT BOX'.

Australian Idol's Guy Sebastian: I'm...still a virgin...that means i've never slept with a girl...boys don't count.

The biggest Loser: "Hi, my name is Chan, and i study IT at UTS and i play computer games all time...my hero is 'studmuffin warrior' Yeah, i don't know his real name but he so cool. He play game all day - no life, no friends, no ambition. that what i want to be."

The biggest Loser: "my name is melinda, but i changed it recently to 'Aura chinese character Feng shui'. Um...my biggest hero is my boyfriend because he's in a band. Well, he's not so much in a band as he just plays guitar. Well, he not so much plays guitar as he doesn't play guitar. And he's not so much my boyfriend."

OH, and a great ad about a GIANT sanitary pad..."OMG! it is big..."

• WHERE: newtown theatre
• DATE: march 15, 16, 17,18 at 10pm
• PRICE: $20/$15 (concession)
• TICKETS: MCA 1300 306 77
  www.mca-tix.com
  www.newtowntheatre.com.au

does anyone else have these dreams?

like normally its soooooooo boring listening the other people's dreams because it's like a private joke between them and themselves. But this one really bothers me because i have it all the time.
its a dream where i am pregnant. like, just a few months along but you know the worry has started to settle in about how i am going to raise this child alone (i am always alone) so it's a bad and stressful dream as well.
anyway, basically im getting ready to go to my own birthday drinks and im driving (which i would never do) a horse and carriage to pick up my friend and she says that my outfit sucks. So i go home to change and that's when i realise that I'm pregnant and that i shouldnt drink and i was like "could this day get any worse?"
and everytime i wake up my belly is uncovered. Why can't i just dream of being cold or my belly uncovered?

Less we forget...

all those times that we have gone driving with our parents. One of my good friends has just received her licence and it shocked me that one of the most ridiculous things that has happened to me whilst driving with my parents happened to her as well...

I come to the intersection of Stoney Creek and King Georges just about the turn onto the Beverlly Hills strip. It's about 9pm at night and I've just driven my cousin home and picked up my dad from a P&T meeting. So we've come to the intersection and

he says: can you make the turn?
I says: yeah...i'll just figure it out.
he says: are you sure?
I says: well, i'll have to.
the lights turn green and i start to turn. Halfway through he lunges (yes, you heard what i said) over in an attempt to control the wheel. I freak out because i think i'm doing something wrong and he knocks the gear into Neutral. I freak out even more because the car has stopped.

Another time I was turning into bankstown square and you have to go under a narrow traintrack bridge. You get under this bridge by going around a round-a-bout and yes, it is narrow but cars still FIT in it. Anyway so Im turning and

he says: can you make the turn?

I says: yes, its just a round-a-bout

he says: do you want to get out and let me do it?

i says: no dad, we're in the middle of a road here.

i know he means well...but for pete's sake!

Where do you get your inspiration?

Well, a lot happens to Maddissonn and Brittanneyy you know? Almost double the fun that happens to other people so there’s a lot of songs to write. Here’s the latest:

OH NO YOU DI’N’T

(Dance intro)

Walking down the street
People throwing shit at us
And we hollar back at ‘em
OH NO YOU DI’N’T!

16mm cameras, flat whites, calendars and a 10 year old boy
Pacer Pencils, napkin holders, ficus bonzais and library cards
TretaFin Fish food, passport photos, Crayolas and TV’s playing
I don’t know…ummmm…Desperate Housewives
Walking down the street
People throwing shit at us
And we hollar back at ‘em
OH NO YOU DI’N’T!

(Beat box/dance bit)

What did people throw at you Maddissonn?

Brightly coloured yellow readers, O.C dvds, and platinum American express cards,
Turkish bread, peach iced tea, plane tickets and tupperware containers
Shampoo, blank dvds, racial abuse and a pink ribbon which I put in my hair,
Its cause I’m black isn’t it? I said, ITS CAUSE WE’RE BLACK ISNT IT?

walking down the street

people throwing shit at us

and we hollar back that them

OH NO YOU DI'N'T!


(Beat box/ dance bit)
Walking down the street
People throwing shit at us
And we hollar back at ‘em
OH NO YOU DI’N’T!

(Beat box/dance bit)

(Spoken)
Britt: Hey just because you’re not an American black chick with a numero uno hit in the charts right now it doesn’t mean you can bag out those who are!
Madd: Yeah! You go girl! Hey, we got some cool shit here…

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

IT'S ISABEL!

look everyone! it's Isabel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Hello’ is what I presume the Kitty says

To wake me up everyday

To make me breakfast
For when the MADDBRITTS go travelling


To watch all my great BSB dvd's

To play all my great BSB songs Well who doesn't need a ride every once in a while?
Well, if Hilary Duff has one then I want one too!

MALK

So you know the soy milk SO GOOD? Does anyone else think that it should be SOY GOOD?

I mean, that’s just clever. Think about it, children will exclaim:
“mmm…that’s SOY good!”

life's too short

so if someone pisses you off even in the slightest way just cut them out.

CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT...

you get the point.

Just take a stand girls (and boys but apparently you don't have this problem because you beat each other up and its okay afterwards) and say NO to people who never call you back, say NO to people saying you're anorexic because you don't eat breakfast, say NO to people planning trips without you, say NO to people who don't back you up when you are irrationally angry at your parents and say NO to people who like their boyfriends more than you (but you have to be a pretty close friend for this last one).

If you're ever wondering...this is how i spend my friday nights

• Fine for driving without your licence: $600
• petrol money for driving around too much and running out: $20
• housewarming gift: $15
• making sure that 2 of your 3 passengers get out on some strange street corner at 1am in the morning because you can't drive them to their door because you won't know how to get back onto the main road after that even though you have a street directory: priceless

Those union f$^kers

Ok, the PMS has officially peaked and if you think that this is a post about something political you are SO wrong!

Monday: I went to the union shop to get my reader. They got the number wrong and charged me wrong and told me that all those readers were out and I had to order one in. I said “no, that’s the wrong number, I don’t do that shitty subject.” The guy self assuredly said that they were out of the ones that I wanted as well and they only printed on demand so I had to pay and come back on Friday.

Friday: Did not do the readings AND missed the lecture (totally not my fault if you all know what I was doing on Friday morning) so there goes my study-really-hard-this-year plan. I went back to the union shop AFTER my class at 2.30pm because that’s when the jerk said that the readers would be in. I get down there and its Chad (so lovely) working and I says…I says “I’m here to pick up my reader” and he says “Why did you order that? We have like a billion, but we may have actually run out today.” The other dickwad was standing next to him and was all “no, no…we don’t have anymore. Oh wait, let me check…oh yeah we do have two more. Aren’t you lucky?”

Go Jump. Seriously.

(but Chad can stay on the ground).